TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really quit using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about Trump Tower Damascus the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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